It's crazy how when you need someone the most, they either turn out to be all your heart desires or turns out to just be a idiot that cant find the time to be there.
I sometimes wish I could be that idiot. The person that can look past all the pain laid out in front of me and just keep smiling.
But sometimes you have to throw it all in, throw all you have and all you are just for the means of making someone smile.
I feel physically sick to my stomach and I feel like I'm going down the wrong path.
But I have to follow my journey.
I'm not going to have a happily ever after...I'm not even sure I believe in them any-more.
I'm here and the people I care about arent.
I've been told I'm many things in my life, name it I've been called it but the only thing that has stuck is : worthless. I'm not even trying for sympathy because nobody can give that when the matter is the only truth.
I'm not worthy and I'm not what people thing, I wish just once someone would see the real me and smile. Because I'm yet to see that. I'm trying to change I went from hoping to sadness to be a totally bitch to sadness to just smiling. faking the smile day in day out for the people I love but you know what.....I'm exhausted. I'm tired of it all, I'm scared for them and I'm scared for myself. I just wish to give up at times. Happiness can be real at some moments and it's easy to lie about your feelings but doing it all the time just hurts now. It's too heavy for my heart to handle.
People think I'm strong and hard to break but everything is just a little extra weight for me.
I dont want to break and I'm going to be holding on for dear life.
I just wish for happiness for them. Even if they are half way around the world.
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