Okay so someone roleplayed loosing a baby and I didnt take it well, actually it broke me, it made me cry and want to just give up on everything. If it wasnt for this amazing guy I wouldnt of coped through it. I was a wreck but whats worse is I read two other peoples thoughts on the subject one was complaining that she couldnt get pregnant and the other had lost a baby in the past.. But what confused me was.. They were angry, amazingly pissed off but why didnt I get angry? I cried and felt sick.. Actually I was sick but that was from the shock I think.. I'm unsure.. But I didnt get mad... Is that healthy? Am I holding all my feelings on the inside? Or am I just a shadow of emotion? :'(
I dont know... I feel broken and I see to push everyone away.. My heart is telling me to push M away.. But I dont want to because he makes me happy, more happy than I have ever been in my life time. He makes me feel hope and like an actual good person. I dont know if in future he will hurt me but right now I give him my complete trust. I love him. I shouldnt.. I dont want to.. But I do. It's a pain and that fact I cant be with him at his side through the good and the bad makes me feel like falling down in tears but I understand and the fact he just wants to be with me through words. Is amazingly loveable. I'm falling harder everyday and my love is growing so fast it scares me. I told him about the child situation and somehow he made me feel better, it breaks my heart but yet I was smiling.. He is truly the greatest person I've ever known. I trust him.
If I am with him I know everything is going to be okay....
Just what happens if the song finishes?
-K xo

Everything changes... At one time or another everyone's lives flip upside down...
I feel like that right at this moment... I'm tried of everything.. Sick of everything...
I hate this fake life... I hate faking who I am and can only be myself when  I'm speaking to him and he's fiction not even reality. It's enough though.. He is enough, he is the figment of my imagination and he doesn't give up.
I want this life.. The one I know is impossible and the one I think I only want.. 
I'm so sick and exhausted of being there for everyone I know and not getting their love back, I'm not an idiot I know I don't deserve that and all this is karma. But does it honestly mean I must feel the way I do, I can hide it and I can fake it and sometimes the fake happiness can feel real which makes it all easier but I can't lie to myself. 
I sicken myself, I look in the mirror and I look away immediately and if I look into my past I feel like a failure.
He said he was proud of me.
I just know if he knew everything about me, I would disappoint. 
But I disappoint everyone at the end of the day, I know that's the truth..
-K xo

I'm thinking the last post may of been a  wrong choice on my part... Someone read it and I didnt want them to.. Not because I've got secrets but because my mind is messed up enough without having the thought of not saying my thoughts... I write them here seen as this is my only silent place.. I have nobody commenting on what I write and unlike a journal I dont have to read it back like an old memory. I havent read one of my blogs back in fear of realizing how crazy I sound or seeing any embarrassing typos. :)
I dont really know what to do now.. I've explained and yet he's still there which surprises me... 
I still have it on my mind all the time I just cant seem to shake the thought of not really having a child or a normal home with the man I love and the children in my imagination. It's hard... Although I've never done anything the easy way....
Sometimes I can be happy like right now I am truly happy but I think to myself 'Your happy dont think about...' and then I'm thinking of it so the happiness fades.
He makes me feel better which is stupid because of the known fact reason that it's not although he right next to me telling me everything would be okay but somehow I'm getting the same emotions and warmth as although he is there saying it... It's all weird and I guess many people would say naive and silly. 
--Sighs--
It's not going to get normal is it? It's going to be hard and impossible but I guess thats what makes it great... the difference and the fact that we are literally from completely different worlds dont really have much in common but yet we speak for at least 9 hours a day... Our differences make us compatible..