I'm thinking the last post may of been a  wrong choice on my part... Someone read it and I didnt want them to.. Not because I've got secrets but because my mind is messed up enough without having the thought of not saying my thoughts... I write them here seen as this is my only silent place.. I have nobody commenting on what I write and unlike a journal I dont have to read it back like an old memory. I havent read one of my blogs back in fear of realizing how crazy I sound or seeing any embarrassing typos. :)
I dont really know what to do now.. I've explained and yet he's still there which surprises me... 
I still have it on my mind all the time I just cant seem to shake the thought of not really having a child or a normal home with the man I love and the children in my imagination. It's hard... Although I've never done anything the easy way....
Sometimes I can be happy like right now I am truly happy but I think to myself 'Your happy dont think about...' and then I'm thinking of it so the happiness fades.
He makes me feel better which is stupid because of the known fact reason that it's not although he right next to me telling me everything would be okay but somehow I'm getting the same emotions and warmth as although he is there saying it... It's all weird and I guess many people would say naive and silly. 
--Sighs--
It's not going to get normal is it? It's going to be hard and impossible but I guess thats what makes it great... the difference and the fact that we are literally from completely different worlds dont really have much in common but yet we speak for at least 9 hours a day... Our differences make us compatible.. 




On the children subject it was harder last night... I noticed that yes I do treat some other humans and well pets as babies or children... Like I'm their mother but it's the first time I've had the responsibly to take care of another life... Even if it's in RP. It's confusing. 
I remember when I was young... 12 or 13 I think... I went to my mother 'When I;m older I'm actually going to have children and bring them up right and not by themselves.' I truly meant it, I was so sick of been second best or always option two. But her response was a simple 'I hope you never do you would be a terrible mother' and I didnt care I just thought pufft whatever but now her words just seem to stick to me and have me doubting myself all over again and I shouldn't do that, I know who I am and I know who I want to be... But how can we change our future selves from the mistakes we haven't made yet...?


Sorry for the confused moments of that...
-K xoxo