Moving.

So I'm moving on the 1st of next month.
It's crazy....I never thought I'd leave a place like this. I love it here it actually feels like home..my first home. But me and C have made a pact to speak to each other everyday and once every 2 weeks we will take it in turns to drive up and down to see each other for the weekend so hopefully it wont change that much...right?
I'm re-starting college in the 8th I think...so that's going to be great hopefully, it will be nice to go back to normality. I wont be taking many classes because of the stupid illness thing, it's horrible because I cant really plan stuff ahead because I never know when I will go ill. It makes things more complicated all the freaking time. But I will learn to deal with it, I mean there are many people worse off then me with more worse illness or injuries. 
My mother is moving before me because I have made plans to take the children I babysit for, trick-or-treating. Which I'm actually excited about, I've always loved Halloween. It's the one night of the year you can be someone completely new without people thinking wrongly of you.
Thats another problem...I'm not the girl I say I'am I changed my name when I moved...and she;s saying that when we move I have to remain the person I was...the person I actually am.
I like Kristy though...I've always been Kristy I have no clue why I guess when I wanted to be someone else I could just be me, the real me. I'am me...The person I was wasn't me at all....it was the girl that was brought up to be her. I'm not making sense. 
But I will still be me and she will just have to be the only one that calls me by my old name and treats me like the old me.
I never liked the old me. 
I was horrible....How I thought about it, was > Your not going to love me, so if I'm horrible to you I get there first.
It was wrong, but when you were always told that you were a horrible person and completely worthless to the world....you do start believing. I still think it all the time to be honest and it breaks my heart every time but it's just something I have to learn to deal with I guess.
It always surprises me when someone say 'I love you' to me, or says they care...I'm always reluctant to say it because I'm always in the fear that everything I love will just leave. 
It always seems that way.
So will this be a new start?
Or will it go worse?
Guess I will soon find out.
Love - Kristy xoxo

Who do you want to be?

It's crazy how when you need someone the most, they either turn out to be all your heart desires or turns out to just be a idiot that cant find the time to be there.

I sometimes wish I could be that idiot. The person that can look past all the pain laid out in front of me and just keep smiling.

But sometimes you have to throw it all in, throw all you have and all you are just for the means of making someone smile.

I feel physically sick to my stomach and I feel like I'm going down the wrong path.

But I have to follow my journey.

I'm not going to have a happily ever after...I'm not even sure I believe in them any-more.

I'm here and the people I care about arent.

I've been told I'm many things in my life, name it I've been called it but the only thing that has stuck is : worthless. I'm not even trying for sympathy because nobody can give that when the matter is the only truth.

I'm not worthy and I'm not what people thing, I wish just once someone would see the real me and smile. Because I'm yet to see that. I'm trying to change I went from hoping to sadness to be a totally bitch to sadness to just smiling. faking the smile day in day out for the people I love but you know what.....I'm exhausted. I'm tired of it all, I'm scared for them and I'm scared for myself. I just wish to give up at times. Happiness can be real at some moments and it's easy to lie about your feelings but doing it all the time just hurts now. It's too heavy for my heart to handle.

People think I'm strong and hard to break but everything is just a little extra weight for me.

I dont want to break and I'm going to be holding on for dear life.

I just wish for happiness for them. Even if they are half way around the world.

Fear, so many fears.

You always believe in me.
It means a lot.
It's just that sometimes, I feel like you've created this perfect picture of who I'am.
This might sound silly.
But I have this fear that, that one day you'll finally get a good look at me and...I'm going to disappoint you.
That you'll see that I'm not as strong or as good as you think I am.
And I'm afraid that it'll change the way you feel about me.
And basically you just make me fear of everything, I can lose all I have and all I am in a split second...because of those things are you. 
If your gone they are gone. 
If your gone...I'm technically is gone.

I've always built a wall around my heart, and every year that wall grew taller and more fortified till eventually it became impenetrable. I want to tear the wall down, I do, I just dont have the slightest no clue on how to do it. 
I've never asked for help, but I need to....I really dont want to become my mother.
So right now I dont care if you have secrets...Because you are the one good, constant thing in my life and I dont want to lose you too. Never.

Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world,

Who's struggling, who's frustrated, or unsatisfied at barley getting by.

But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day.

Someone or something will find the way and make it all okay.

Because we all need a little help sometimes.

Someone to help us hear the music in the world.

To remind is that it won't always be this way.

That someone is out there, and that someone will find you.

- Lucas Scott.

Note : This is my favourite quote. It's so simple but so true... Every single day is a straining battle that you feel like your not going to be able to live through... But I guess you just have to remember the good things in life and the things that make you smile. 

Every time I'm emotional or sad... I think about the downer points in life and all the times I was alone...which is stupid because I should think of the great things and the people that actually care. It may take me a while to do that, but I will remember. What right do I have to complain about anything in my life when there are people who are struggling with their own.

Life is never easy but you just have to remember that life is hard for others too....Which means your not the only want that wishes they never woke up everyday, Wishes their lives were completely different and wishes for things that will always be out of they're reach.

Dreaming.

I HATE dreaming, I wish there was a pill I could take to stop them coming true.
They are always bad, I cant fully remember when I had a pleasant dream to be honest. It's getting harder to survive them each night, I can easily stay awake, but it's beginning to take its toll on me, I keep fainting or passing-out and not remembering the day.. It's horrendous. 
I dont expect nor want pity, But it's just difficult dealing with them.. They are always so dark and morbid.. They wake me often and I remember each single dream which in some ways I feel is worse. 
They tend to repeat and I often know how they are going to begin and end. I feel like screaming just to see if it makes them go... 
I sleep with my good friend Chris often because it's easier to wake up and have someone there to tell me it will be okay... But soon I wont have that and I just dont know how I'm going to cope every night without it.
I guess I take it too much for granted. 
They are always filled with death, darkness, fear... lots of fear. 
There is also a certain little girl ion most of my dreams who I do not know in any sense, But I often find myself saving her from the creatures and darkness. 
They confuse me, but I know I must protect her from all the pain.
Many people have told me to speak to someone about them.... So I'm speaking to you.
Most probably nobody will even read this, But I've got it written down and that helps me a little bit.
So now... How do I cope alone..? 
- Kristy xoxo

I'm isolating myself again. I fear I'm always running out of time, like I should spend it wisely. I don't understand life, why I'm here or what I'm supposed to accomplish, who to impress, who to be acknowledged by. Am I meant to discover something so surrreal, I'm too blinded to see by a clichéd lifestyle? I need to know why I breath, so I can persue my purpose in life, and succeed, rather than trying different.

Distance.

Today has defiantly made it to my top 10 day's of hell.
The day started out okay I didn't sleep yesterday so I had been speaking to the most important person all last night and you know what....for the first time in a long while I was actually 100% happy, It was an odd sensation and it was peaceful...I felt wanted and loved...
But of course I'am me so I fucked it all up in a matter of seconds.
Yesterday was a bad day, i found out some stuff that I didn't want to know...stuff that was my own fault for knowing....I couldn't tell him because it was stupid and I should expect anything less than what happened, I've always known so what difference does it make now? He cant really deny it because of everything that had happened, so why would I wreck the first time I had been actually happy for the sack if more pain for both of us? It makes no sense so I decided to just keep my mouth shut, But of course he found that wrong and left....which I guess I don't even blame him for...But still if he could of stayed I would of explained better, You just cant run away from all your problems.....So that made the day crappy, It made it unbearable actually...Then I had my mother.

Throw-down.

People tend to ignore me, thats always been the case through my life...Thankfully I wont be going back to this college now...I was be starting fresh....Finally, I had a lot of haters there, ever watched a movie and theres the big cheer-leading group that has a 'queen'? Yeah this is what happened to me, I got on the wrong side of her after I dated her ex boyfriend...It wasnt my fault! I move to a new town fall over a guy...literally but thats another story...and we dated and kissed and yeah we kinda fell for eachother...But of course she got her revenge by sticking her tongue down his throat and helping me to walk into the room at that exact time...It wasnt J's fault though, we are still good friends and I think we will always have the spark between us...but A) I dont give second chances and B) I've fallen for someone else.....

But she still hates me and before I leave this town....I could bring her down, Pull all her followers away from her and embarrass the heck out of her group, when nobody notices you are even in the room, it's easy to overhear like, you didnt hear it from me but ~

• One of the girls got pregnant last May with her best friends boyfriend's baby and had a termination behind his back.
• Another one got so drunk she woke up next to a guy she didnt know and turned out he was her father's best friend.
• One's father is having an affair and she doesnt know whether to tell her mother or not.
• One guy is gay and doesnt know how to tell his girlfriend.
• One poor girl has a eating disorder.
•  One secretly smokes between classes.
• One lost her virginity to a teacher.

And thats just the tip of the ice-berg.

So as you can probably tell, after all they did to me, I could most defiantly get pay-back....

But whats weird is...I think I'd be petty if I did.

I want them to suffer like they made me, But I know karma will get them in the end.

So sometimes you just have to be the bigger person....Thats what I learnt today.

I'm excited and dreading making a new start...I hate moving, I've done it so many times in the past....

[Sighs]

Am I ever going to be able to settle down?
I'm just hoping....Payback is a bitch.

Until next time...

-Kristy xoxo

Impossible

So...Tomorrow is October 2rd.
A Saturday.
A day of hangovers and family outings.
For me...?
It's going to grantee to be a day of torture and hell...
I'm doing to impossible....Having lunch with my mother. :(
It's all going to go tits-up I can see that happening already....
But I spoke to her today and she did something that I NEVER thought would happen....She held me when I cried....She may of been telling me not to be stupid as she was holding me...but she did and for a moment...it was only a moment...but just for the moment...I felt safe...I felt like a little girl in her mothers arms that was untouchable....that was...like I could fly away if  I wanted to....Is that silly?
It probably is....But I've never felt like that since I was around 5...
So tomorrow is going to be bad because she is going to be regretting that..and well we are having food.
[Sighs]
Food is a BIG issue in my life and it's hard to talk about....
I dont even think I could write it down it hurts too much....
But she used to have a problem with food too and she recovered....She thinks I did too....she thinks there is nothing wrong with me....She doesnt have a clue...which I guess makes it harder...But I couldnt tell her that...I may hate her at times and she hates me most of the time...But I could never hurt her like she hurt me...No matter what she did. She is still my mother....
I guess you really cant choose who you love.....
So wish me luck......?
-Kristy xoxo