Distance.

Today has defiantly made it to my top 10 day's of hell.
The day started out okay I didn't sleep yesterday so I had been speaking to the most important person all last night and you know what....for the first time in a long while I was actually 100% happy, It was an odd sensation and it was peaceful...I felt wanted and loved...
But of course I'am me so I fucked it all up in a matter of seconds.
Yesterday was a bad day, i found out some stuff that I didn't want to know...stuff that was my own fault for knowing....I couldn't tell him because it was stupid and I should expect anything less than what happened, I've always known so what difference does it make now? He cant really deny it because of everything that had happened, so why would I wreck the first time I had been actually happy for the sack if more pain for both of us? It makes no sense so I decided to just keep my mouth shut, But of course he found that wrong and left....which I guess I don't even blame him for...But still if he could of stayed I would of explained better, You just cant run away from all your problems.....So that made the day crappy, It made it unbearable actually...Then I had my mother.


Dinner with her was nightmarish she didn't understand why I was so depressed, so she went all bitchy and said I was acting rude toward her...I explained...she called me a idiot for falling in love with someone this way...I think that was the first time me and her agreed about something...She thinks I ate but the food was in the napkin which I wasn't proud about but I just couldn't handle that...It was too much at the wrong time.
She probably knew actually...I did learn from her myself so she knows hows its down.
We spoke and she told me about the new house and how her work is...Oddly she asked about Chris which is strange...she's never really liked him after that time she yelled at her because she make me cry and he told her she was a bad mother. But we spoke for around 2 hours, I think I bite my tongue a lot of the time to keep from saying things I knew I shouldn't...
On the way home she said I should come back to stay in my own house until we move but I declined I already have enough fears without adding more...plus I'm not that well at the moment I'm too weak so Chris's is better, He and I&G (His parents) Take good care of me, I feel like part of his family in an odd way...C is also gay well Bi actually but he prefers males to females...and luckily nobody has a problem letting us share the same room which is nice, its nice to have someone there in the morning or have someone there to hold you when you cry....I don't know how I'm going to manage without him when I move, he is the only person ever to not let me down...I'm going to talk him into getting a facebook so we could keep in contact that way...and phone calls every 2 hours apparently. hahaa I actually believe him on that...It's a shame really that he is like a brother to me or else he would be the perfect future partner...But thinking about kissing him makes me shudder. haha so I think that plan is out....
So anyway we wee int he car driving home, I apparently fell asleep so when I woke up I was on a bed with J&C (Jesse & Chris) playing video games on either side of me. It was an odd awakening.
But then everything went worse when I came online.
I've let M down and I dont know how to fix it all. I couldn't tell him because of everything and now all I want to do is hide and cry because of the distance it feels like is in-between us right now...I just want to be held and told everything is okay.....But I don't think it is....
Why do I even try any-more....?
Why do I stay in his life when I only cause pain....?
What do I do now....?
- Kristy xoxo