Why do so many people believe that I am strong?
M..
C..
J..
E..
 They have all said it but how can you tell someone that their words are meaningless because they are fiction. I'm not strong, in the slightest. I'm always sad or feeling alone. I hate this. I hate what I have become, telling stupid lies so they won't know the truth... and the truth is, I'm struggling. I'm struggling to keep all of myself together and yes I can fake it until it seem real to me. But then what does that mean I am doing to them, those wonderful human beings that try and use their words to make me feel better about myself and about my life.
I'm being a selfish spoiled little brat. I know that. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, nor do I ever want sympathy... This is why I write here. But it's getting harder by the day to keep it all in check and to keep the smile on my face. My stomach hurts from the lies of "I'm fine.." Or "I'm great..." In a physical sense I am, but emotionally... I'm a complete mess. I want to run and be with someone who will understand. But can anyone truly understand the thoughts that go through a girls mind? Do they understand how much words can hurt?
I've lost my mother I have no doubt about that, she is always with her guy now and he is a complete twat. He treats her like shit but yet she stays with him. And what's worse is (Now this is the part I turn out to be a selfish person) He treats her so bad, but yet when they kiss or just have contact, I feel like they don't deserve that because they both aren't meant to be. Why do they get the person in their arms? When I can't even be with the person my heart earns for? Why do they find a guy or girl but yet treat them like utter garbage? It's unfair. They won't be together in a years time but yet I may still be with him.. through words. It's hard to accept. I'm not worthy of him, don't get me wrong of course I know that. And I'm waiting for the day when he leaves... but for now, he chooses to only see the good side of me. And that makes it worse.
I just don't know what to do anymore.... I feel like I'm slipping.
Far away.
-Kristy xo