Today has been hard.

It's difficult to say the reason why, but some days are just harder than others.

I'm not strong any more.. I confused it to my guy and do you know what frightened me the most?

The fact that it felt good. It felt good to say I cry sometimes and I try to smile through the tears.

Sometimes you need to look at the positives in life and right this moment, that's what I'am doing.

I feel alone... I miss being held... I miss feeling safe... 

But isn't that what makes me strong? Or at least attempting to be strong.

I feel like I can't breath right now, like I'm boxed in all my fears or doubts. 

I'm trying to believe in hope...

It's just hard when you feel like you have no-one to talk to. 

So I've lost a little weight recently, still not enough. It's only a few pounds. I'm not 7 stone 9. But yet in clothing I am still a size 10 because of the stupid boobs. >.<
I hate my body, seriously nothing can go right with it and it's just huge and ugly and gross. I wish I could just cover myself up and hide away from the world for all eternity. But of course I have to live my life.
My mother noticed the weight change and suddenly started saying I have lost too much weight I look unhealthy and I'd have to put it back on because it would make her seem like a bad mother. At first I thought she cared but of course she wouldn't. I don't want to put it back on, honestly I want to lose more... If you go thin, it makes you beautiful, right? That's what I've always thought and I know it's a slight illness that makes me feel like that but it's a hard feeling to dismiss. I dont want to go sick again, I want to be strong. And my body is naturally curvy so I could never go skinny, skinny but I honestly wish I could. It's sick that I think that but if I could snap my fingers and make myself look like any thin person, I would in a second.
Even worse my kitten/cat now I guess, cut me just above my wrist and it hurt like hell... I actually fainted from the sight of my own blood.. (Lmao) But my mother see's it and instantly asks if I have been cutting myself. What do I have to do for a little bit of trust? It;s so confusing.

How hard is it just to not comment on something I write? Just once. >.<
I have a twitter account that I use for ranting or just somewhere when I want to write how I feel down but I cant be on there any-more because people ask if I am okay and although I love them with all my heart... the reason I am there is to just be invisible. That's all I want and I guess it's just too much to ask.
Now where do I go??
Confusion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGeslPU84t8

I'm actually happy today! It's a fuckin' miracle if I do say so myself. ;DD
It's been a very longggg day but quite a plan, happy one.
I woke up and did nothing interesting but as soon as I spoke to my boy, all was incredibly happy. Maybe it was because I have been editing mine and his conversations and they never fail to bring a smile upon my lips. 
He is truly one of a kind, you know that. Anyone would be the luckiest person on the planter just to speak to him. My sweet, loving prince.  ♥♥
M&K Forever... And Always...

What happens when you can't control what is about to happen?
Did that make sense? Am I making sense because I don't understand my own thoughts... I feel frustrated and scared. I'm making the same mistakes over and over and it just isnt the right decision. Every single time I begin to feel lonely I close myself off from everyone and that is the most stupidest, less-logical thing in my entire history. It hurts in the centre of my chest when I think of being like this forever, just living this life for another year would be challenging enough. It breaks my heart to let the most caring-ness people down because I promised to be strong and that just isnt working anymore. 
I honestly just want to escape...

I feel off balanced.
Like everything is wrong, it feels wrong.
I feel... Lonely.
I know I'm being selfish, so very selfish. I have a guy that always is there to care through words, A mother who told me to come home, A nain and grandad and two amazing friends through phone calls. Many people have less, I should be thankful.
So why do I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I'm scared...
I have no place where I can go to make things better this time, no place where I have someone to hold me and just say everything will be okay. Those are the words I long for.
I need someone here right now to just pin me down and stop me from making things worse.
Maybe I understand that song "Lean on me" now....
I need to get away, run away from this reality. I can't do this anymore.... I'm not strong, I'm weak and broken and trying to hold the pieces together.
But they keep falling apart.
.......
How do I get through this, again?

Why do so many people believe that I am strong?
M..
C..
J..
E..
 They have all said it but how can you tell someone that their words are meaningless because they are fiction. I'm not strong, in the slightest. I'm always sad or feeling alone. I hate this. I hate what I have become, telling stupid lies so they won't know the truth... and the truth is, I'm struggling. I'm struggling to keep all of myself together and yes I can fake it until it seem real to me. But then what does that mean I am doing to them, those wonderful human beings that try and use their words to make me feel better about myself and about my life.
I'm being a selfish spoiled little brat. I know that. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, nor do I ever want sympathy... This is why I write here. But it's getting harder by the day to keep it all in check and to keep the smile on my face. My stomach hurts from the lies of "I'm fine.." Or "I'm great..." In a physical sense I am, but emotionally... I'm a complete mess. I want to run and be with someone who will understand. But can anyone truly understand the thoughts that go through a girls mind? Do they understand how much words can hurt?
I've lost my mother I have no doubt about that, she is always with her guy now and he is a complete twat. He treats her like shit but yet she stays with him. And what's worse is (Now this is the part I turn out to be a selfish person) He treats her so bad, but yet when they kiss or just have contact, I feel like they don't deserve that because they both aren't meant to be. Why do they get the person in their arms? When I can't even be with the person my heart earns for? Why do they find a guy or girl but yet treat them like utter garbage? It's unfair. They won't be together in a years time but yet I may still be with him.. through words. It's hard to accept. I'm not worthy of him, don't get me wrong of course I know that. And I'm waiting for the day when he leaves... but for now, he chooses to only see the good side of me. And that makes it worse.
I just don't know what to do anymore.... I feel like I'm slipping.
Far away.
-Kristy xo

When I was younger I believed in miracles. I believed in the happy ending the was in everybody’s reach; But as I grew older I no longer believed in fairytales. I didn’t believe that the prince would actually save the princess from the darkness filled night. Nobody gets the happily ever after they deserve because life will always surprise you. 
At the age of 5, my father left. I remember the night fully, I remember the branches of the trees knocking against the window, I remember holding him tightly clinging onto his chest. But most importantly, I remember him whispering into my ear “I’m sorry, I will love you no matter what.” Him and my mother had been arguing all day long, truth be told it had been a few weeks of shouting and tears but I was young, I was naïve. In the back of my mind, I knew he was going to not be here when I woke. I tried to keep my eyes open but slowly they closed and I lost my battle. I lost him. If I would of managed to keep my eyes open maybe I wouldn’t of lost him but it’s impossible to change the past.
When I was 11, I had began getting home schooled. It was mostly because my mother had thrown herself into her work and we had lost each other over the 7 years. We no longer spoke in a motherly and daughter fashion. We didn’t smile often and I guess, I thought that was normal. She was rather give me some money to keep me quiet which never worked, I bought her gifts which she never thanked me for. In the end I just used to save it, In hope that one day I could run.. Run away from her and run away from my life. 
At 13 I found out about the kidney disease that I had contracted from the family blood. It didn’t change anything, some pain, finding out the possibility of having children was slim. One of the days that changed my life. My mother was never without an indult for me at this point and I was losing it. I blamed myself each day, I hated my body and her constantly calling me “Fat” or insulting my clothing just made the hatred grow. I began self harming and making myself throw up after eating. I became ill, mentally and physically. I began to give up and I no longer wanted to live in this hard and hurtful world. Yes, I took some pills and I really wanted to leave. My mother found me and I became fine again. Well, not fine. I was drinking often and I partied. I did it by myself, not with people. I wanted to be alone. In the confounds on my bedroom. That’s when I realized I was being selfish, there were millions of human beings and children out there fighting for their lives and I was giving up on my own. that’s when I changed. 
When I was 15, we moved to London.. She decided to take a break from work. At the time I didn’t know what was wrong but now I look back I do. I became someone new, I went from Rebecca the girl that made so many mistakes and was a selfish girl to Kristy, the girl that would never remove the smile off her lips or never say that love is out of your reach. On my first day of college, I didn’t meet many people. I ran into a rather handsome young man, latterly. Just FYI: never read and walk. I tumbled him to the ground and it was a pretty humiliating experience.J That night there was a party so I decided to attend mostly for the reason of showing my face so I don’t seem very weird. I went onto balcony and met a very gothic looking guy. His name was Chris, he was 18 and we began to speak, it turns out that he was there because he was bisexual and some idiot guys were making fun of him because they said no girl would ever date him. Typical cruel guy things. Oh, I almost forgot earlier that evening whilst I was just wandering around the house there was this jerk of a guy that slapped my butt and said “Hi sexy..” he was a complete twat so I told him to go to hell. I’m pretty cool like that. :P Joke. Anyway so I was speaking to Chris and I went to get us drinks when I came back they were all surrounding him and just trying to cause a fight. It was the same butt-slapping loser so I went over and did the only logical thing I could think of; I snogged Chris. Now I think back I don’t even know what I was thinking but it made the guys all back off and their expressions were very hilarious. It worked and they left him alone. I still speak to him everyday and he is very much my other half. 
In the same year I began dating Jesse, it was a good relationship I thought I was in love. He took me to find my father… It was, it was meant to be the most perfect of my life. But he has a family now, he has a wife and two beautiful boys. My half brothers. I understand why he didn’t want me in his life, I would of wrecked it all. He said I wasn’t worthy of his time and to go home. When my mother found out she left, she told me to go with he but I realised I would be happier by myself. I did what I wanted and that was the day I learnt people always leave the people they love, even if it’s for their own good. 
Me and Jesse were closer than ever and one single day, 24 hours everything changed. But like I knew, fairytales don’t happen. He was jealous of Chris and we had an explosive argument, he went out and… Slept with a girl. Which was even harder because I was a virgin and he said he understood, I should of known that. We parted. He begged me to forgive him but it just wasn’t going to work out. 
At 16 Chris talked me into joining a little website called “Twitter” I had previously joined there and left because of an ass RP partner. But I decided to re-join just for the hell of it. It went okay at first, I faked the person I was. I acted like a bitch and it made people leave me alone and not take me for granted. I met an “Edward Cullen” RPer and seen as myself was a “Bella Swan” it seemed natural just to RP together. But meanwhile seen as we seemed like an okay RP couple on the main timeline I was falling in love in messages with a different guy. A guy that was loveable, thoughtful, caring, sexiest, gracious, kind-hearted, deep-filled, sweet, beautiful, most-desirable and wonderful. He was the guy that fixed my trust, fixed my life. I soon became afraid to lose him. Everyday when I went online I was scared of seeing that he had left but what was worse was; he wasn’t mine to lose. I left the “Edward” and made a new account a partly RL account. I basically asked him to be with me and I really thought he was going to say no. But to my surprise he said yes and that was the beginning of a new chapter of my meaningless life. 
My mother came back into my life in the beginning of October of 2010 and I hadn’t spoke to her since the previous March. It was crazy seeing her and awkward at the best of times. She had broke my heart and I didn’t know what to do. If it wasn’t for the guy at the other end of the computer I really wouldn’t of coped. He showed me what I had to loose and it made me give her a second chance. I was terrified. She literally forced me to move back to my home town of Wales, UK. It was hard saying goodbye to Chris and Jesse but I still speak to them very often. It’s only a 10-11 hour car drive and Jesse being the guy he is, is always willing to drive down. He is my miracle.
Me and my mother still aren’t getting along, most days we don’t even talk. It’s heart-breaking and it’s very difficult to see her act like this.
Through it all; the lies from guys, the falling in love with a guy at the opposite end of the world, the drifting apart from my mother, the living alone at 15, the starting fresh in a new college, the learning to be alone and most importantly the lose of my father which now I look back I don’t regret him leaving, I wish I could of stayed awake to keep myself to him, or even for him to take me with him on that night, but everything happens for a reason right? Seen as if I hadn’t lost him, I would never of parted from my mother, I never would of decided to live alone so I never would of met Chris, he wouldn’t of made me make the twitter so I never would of met him. The guy that is the reason I’m attempting to stay strong. The guy that makes me smile each day. The guy that made me believe in happily ever afters. 
I want things to change, I want to be happier and I no longer want to cry. I still want to escape, some days I just wish I could buy a plane ticket and run without looking back. Who knows… maybe one day I will, I will leave this life that I have caused by myself. 

It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you wanted from me
And knowing that if I give that to you
I might just disappear

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe
That's theres no way out for you and me
And it seems to be the story of our lives

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

There's still time to turn this around
You could building this up instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be.

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, baby I'm sorry to see
Maybe we're not meant to be.

Those school girl days of telling tales and biting nails are gone,
But in my mind I know they will still live on and on.

But how do you thank someone, who has taken you from crayons to perfume?
It isn't easy, but I'll try.

If you wanted the sky I would write across the sky in letters,
That would soar a thousand feet high,
To Sir, with Love.

The time has come for closing books and long last looks must end,
And as I leave I know that I am leaving my best friend,
A friend who taught me right from wrong and weak from strong,
That's a lot to learn, What, what can I give you in return?

If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start,
But I, would rather you let me give my heart,
To Sir, with Love.... 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UmPz0IU-AI&feature=related

2010

The year I learnt what love was.

The year I realized how truly messed up the world was.

The year I found the people I could trust with my thoughts.

The year I moved from my first home.

The year I forgave.

The year I found out that one little thing you had never truly thoughts about could flip your entire world.

The year I found him.

This year has been a very full and unhappy but yet joyful year. In the beginning I had just broken contact with an ex and I was learning to fend for myself again. It stayed that way for a very long amount of months. I wasn’t a party-girl but I wasn’t a stay at home on a Saturday girl either. I was lost… Just a very lost person who had given up home on being able to cure my life. Then on the 5th of May 2010 I decided to restart roleplay on a certain website known as twitter. I decided not to be who I wanted to be on there because what was the point? I didn’t trust them, they are fictional characters people had made up. I didn’t want a roleplay partner and I found peace. As the follower count raised I changed. I became myself and yes I lost some people over that but I quickly learnt that being me was better than the fake one. 

I changed my choice, I found a roleplay mate and it was okay.. Not perfect but he was a good roleplayer and although he didn’t come online often, that oddly made it easier to accept. 

Then one day I met a certain male, he thanked me for following his ‘Personal’ account from his Edward one. I didn’t see much out of it but he was sweet and that good because it made me smile. I still remember where I was that day and who I was with. 

We spoke and spoke for a very long while, I found I was falling into something too deep.. I liked him, a very large amount and although I was ‘with’ someone on there it turned into something more with him before I could even tell what was happening. 

I fell in love and not in roleplay way, in a hurts to be away from him, heart racing, unable to stop smiling, love. 

I found a circle of good friends, roleplay sisters that often seem like my real life sisters. They understand and they are fun to be around. I saw I had them and I had someone to love, so I did the only thing I could, made a new account and started over. Itr was hard to delete the other account because I had so many fond memories with other friends there but I would give anything up for him and that was a simple thing to do.

I’m not going to lie, it’s been an incredibly hard journey to be where I am now with him. But it’s been completely worth it. 

My mother came back into my life late this year and it was strange and painful to see her but she told things, things I couldn’t comprehend to even think about. But I have no control of my life, she does and I have to do what she want, of which she likes to remind me a lot of the time. I’ve moved, a very long trip away from my two very great guys. The two friends who have been there for me since I first moved there. It was hard to accept moving away but I had to help my mother. I guess she can hurt me as much as she wants but I have more forgiveness than her.

Now on the 1st of January 2011, I am still with my love, still living with my mother and her so-called ‘Partner’ and I still speak to my sisters, maybe not as often as I used to but it’s complicated now. I don’t regret anything though.

I've made so many mistakes this year, so many incredibly huge mistakes that I wish I could take back but it’s okay because I know, no matter what I have someone that will be there to say “It will be okay” even if it wont be. I believe in them and I believe they wont let me down. I’d like to thank those because they have helped me cope through this year and I don’t think I would be okay if I hadn’t been speaking to them. I’m not worthy of their words or their love or trust but I thank the world every single day that they are in my life. 

I don’t know whats going to happen this year but I know one thing; I wont be alone anymore. And that’s just priceless. 

I dont have many resoulutions this year, normally I have a large list but this year there is only 4 things I want to do:

1) Help.

2) Have more self respect.

3) Decide what I want to do in the future.

4) Keep everyone I love happy, no matter what it takes. 

There are others but they seem to be the only important ones. ^^

So thats been my year, lets just hope some things will change and some will stay the same. 

Thankyou for reading and if you are... Thankyou for also being there. 

Kristy xoxo