Distance.

Today has defiantly made it to my top 10 day's of hell.
The day started out okay I didn't sleep yesterday so I had been speaking to the most important person all last night and you know what....for the first time in a long while I was actually 100% happy, It was an odd sensation and it was peaceful...I felt wanted and loved...
But of course I'am me so I fucked it all up in a matter of seconds.
Yesterday was a bad day, i found out some stuff that I didn't want to know...stuff that was my own fault for knowing....I couldn't tell him because it was stupid and I should expect anything less than what happened, I've always known so what difference does it make now? He cant really deny it because of everything that had happened, so why would I wreck the first time I had been actually happy for the sack if more pain for both of us? It makes no sense so I decided to just keep my mouth shut, But of course he found that wrong and left....which I guess I don't even blame him for...But still if he could of stayed I would of explained better, You just cant run away from all your problems.....So that made the day crappy, It made it unbearable actually...Then I had my mother.

Throw-down.

People tend to ignore me, thats always been the case through my life...Thankfully I wont be going back to this college now...I was be starting fresh....Finally, I had a lot of haters there, ever watched a movie and theres the big cheer-leading group that has a 'queen'? Yeah this is what happened to me, I got on the wrong side of her after I dated her ex boyfriend...It wasnt my fault! I move to a new town fall over a guy...literally but thats another story...and we dated and kissed and yeah we kinda fell for eachother...But of course she got her revenge by sticking her tongue down his throat and helping me to walk into the room at that exact time...It wasnt J's fault though, we are still good friends and I think we will always have the spark between us...but A) I dont give second chances and B) I've fallen for someone else.....

But she still hates me and before I leave this town....I could bring her down, Pull all her followers away from her and embarrass the heck out of her group, when nobody notices you are even in the room, it's easy to overhear like, you didnt hear it from me but ~

• One of the girls got pregnant last May with her best friends boyfriend's baby and had a termination behind his back.
• Another one got so drunk she woke up next to a guy she didnt know and turned out he was her father's best friend.
• One's father is having an affair and she doesnt know whether to tell her mother or not.
• One guy is gay and doesnt know how to tell his girlfriend.
• One poor girl has a eating disorder.
•  One secretly smokes between classes.
• One lost her virginity to a teacher.

And thats just the tip of the ice-berg.

So as you can probably tell, after all they did to me, I could most defiantly get pay-back....

But whats weird is...I think I'd be petty if I did.

I want them to suffer like they made me, But I know karma will get them in the end.

So sometimes you just have to be the bigger person....Thats what I learnt today.

I'm excited and dreading making a new start...I hate moving, I've done it so many times in the past....

[Sighs]

Am I ever going to be able to settle down?
I'm just hoping....Payback is a bitch.

Until next time...

-Kristy xoxo

Impossible

So...Tomorrow is October 2rd.
A Saturday.
A day of hangovers and family outings.
For me...?
It's going to grantee to be a day of torture and hell...
I'm doing to impossible....Having lunch with my mother. :(
It's all going to go tits-up I can see that happening already....
But I spoke to her today and she did something that I NEVER thought would happen....She held me when I cried....She may of been telling me not to be stupid as she was holding me...but she did and for a moment...it was only a moment...but just for the moment...I felt safe...I felt like a little girl in her mothers arms that was untouchable....that was...like I could fly away if  I wanted to....Is that silly?
It probably is....But I've never felt like that since I was around 5...
So tomorrow is going to be bad because she is going to be regretting that..and well we are having food.
[Sighs]
Food is a BIG issue in my life and it's hard to talk about....
I dont even think I could write it down it hurts too much....
But she used to have a problem with food too and she recovered....She thinks I did too....she thinks there is nothing wrong with me....She doesnt have a clue...which I guess makes it harder...But I couldnt tell her that...I may hate her at times and she hates me most of the time...But I could never hurt her like she hurt me...No matter what she did. She is still my mother....
I guess you really cant choose who you love.....
So wish me luck......?
-Kristy xoxo