Today has been hard.

It's difficult to say the reason why, but some days are just harder than others.

I'm not strong any more.. I confused it to my guy and do you know what frightened me the most?

The fact that it felt good. It felt good to say I cry sometimes and I try to smile through the tears.

Sometimes you need to look at the positives in life and right this moment, that's what I'am doing.

I feel alone... I miss being held... I miss feeling safe... 

But isn't that what makes me strong? Or at least attempting to be strong.

I feel like I can't breath right now, like I'm boxed in all my fears or doubts. 

I'm trying to believe in hope...

It's just hard when you feel like you have no-one to talk to. 

So I've lost a little weight recently, still not enough. It's only a few pounds. I'm not 7 stone 9. But yet in clothing I am still a size 10 because of the stupid boobs. >.<
I hate my body, seriously nothing can go right with it and it's just huge and ugly and gross. I wish I could just cover myself up and hide away from the world for all eternity. But of course I have to live my life.
My mother noticed the weight change and suddenly started saying I have lost too much weight I look unhealthy and I'd have to put it back on because it would make her seem like a bad mother. At first I thought she cared but of course she wouldn't. I don't want to put it back on, honestly I want to lose more... If you go thin, it makes you beautiful, right? That's what I've always thought and I know it's a slight illness that makes me feel like that but it's a hard feeling to dismiss. I dont want to go sick again, I want to be strong. And my body is naturally curvy so I could never go skinny, skinny but I honestly wish I could. It's sick that I think that but if I could snap my fingers and make myself look like any thin person, I would in a second.
Even worse my kitten/cat now I guess, cut me just above my wrist and it hurt like hell... I actually fainted from the sight of my own blood.. (Lmao) But my mother see's it and instantly asks if I have been cutting myself. What do I have to do for a little bit of trust? It;s so confusing.

How hard is it just to not comment on something I write? Just once. >.<
I have a twitter account that I use for ranting or just somewhere when I want to write how I feel down but I cant be on there any-more because people ask if I am okay and although I love them with all my heart... the reason I am there is to just be invisible. That's all I want and I guess it's just too much to ask.
Now where do I go??
Confusion.