Truth is… some days I’ am fine. I’m me.
But then these other days I’m really not okay in the slightest and that over shadows the good days.
I need help.
And the more time I speak to him… or speak to those two beautiful girls that I would be proud to call sisters… the more time I spend with them, the more I want to get better.
It’s not fair if I drag them down with me, what gives me the right to do that to them?
I don’t want to be their burden… I won’t be his burden.
But each day it’s getting harder to wake up.
It’s getting harder to take that first breath.
Perfection. it’s what I think will make things better.
If I dress perfect, no hair out of line.
Give the right advice to the people who need it.
Make sure everywhere doesn’t have a speck of dust so it’s perfectly clean.
Everything is planned to the schedule.
I can’t be done though. it’s exhausting to hold up this persona that just isn’t me.
I want to hide.
Just escape this reality that I’m living.
I’m not getting better… I’ve tried the counselling, I’ve tried the pills, I've tried here…
But nothing is okay nor getting better. And I’m drained from trying.
How can I go on like this? How can I keep faking it?
I don’t understand how she doesn’t know…
Why cant she just see the truth?
Can’t she see the tears?

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so lost and so alone and yet I’ve got this gut ranching feeling, that is guilt. There’s so much pain in this world, yet I’m complaining? it’s so god damn selfish.
I just… can’t.
Once I press 'publish post' in a few seconds, I will wipe my tears, put on a smile and continue with my day.
Because, what else can I do?
It'll only end badly.
- Kristy-Anne xxx